whoopee!

Large demands on oneself and little demands on others keep resentment at bay
- chinese proverb

Hehe.. very happy since yesterday. Today also not bad. Just got my new lappie and it's just beautiful. Feel very lucky cos got my wonderful cousin who install all sorts of cool programs for me, and it was fun to watch my uncle bargain with the Toshiba dealers. My "skills" are long long way from his level man..
Caught Harry Potter with my cousin yesterday. It was pretty good I think (could be due to the fact that I didn't read any of the Harry Porter series keke..) My poor cousin kena kick in her seat by the stewpid fellas sitting behind her. Fumming about it after the show. Would have given them a piece of my mind (or at least get them to stop) if she had told me earlier..
Just receive the letter from RMIT. Can't wait to apply for school and setting up accomodation etc. Just found out that a colleague is going to somewhere near and thinking of renting apartment with her and another friend of hers. Keeping my fingers cross that it will work! Or else I'll be quite lonely there I think.

surge cast

16th Nov'05: Wearing my favourite scholar's tee... after digging a while in the ever congested closet :p



it's been almost two months since our grad showcase.
Miss the scholars... what are they doing now i wonder?

Scholars unite!

The rule of lawlessness

I just read an interview on two British designers and one of their comments stuck in my head. They mentioned that Singapore is beginning to open up, and that Singaporeans are starting to be more daring with their ideas. However, he still thinks that Britons are more creative, as they possess a more anarchist streak. Which beats the question: Are we, as Singaporeans, prisoners of our government, or our own imagination?

It's been said time and again, in both foreign and local media, that Singaporeans lack creativity, there are too many rules and limitations on what our creative people can or cannot do, that we cannot think out of the box when it comes to problem solving and generating solutions. What if that box is self-created, when we cannot see beyond what we are afraid of transgressing? What will happen if we choose to step out of our box and peep into the world beyond? Will we be swept up in the sea of lawlessness, and forever become lost and struggling for a sense of identity?

Perhaps that unconstrained line of thought is exactly what we need to break free of our mental blocks. I am definitely not one to champion unconstructive actions such as aggressive rioting and protests, for they seem to signify that humankind will degenerate into nothing more than wild animals when things do not turn out well. I do think however, that people should start cultivating thinking spaces outside of their own comfort zone. It's only when people start doing so, that we can adopt an acute sense of awareness and sensitivity towards social issues.

The fact that we come from different cultural and racial backgrounds indicate that we have diverse ways of thinking towards many issues. The problem does not lie in our differences. It's only when we cannot think beyond these differences, or even worse, that they are not important, that problems start to arise. We can definitely afford more patience and tolerance towards views that are different from our own, and hesitate in judging until we have the full story. Instead of looking at the differences, we should be looking out for common ground, things that bind us instead of dividing us. For a democracy that seeks cohesiveness, that is one of the ways we can go about doing things. We can afford to give our people a voice, for that is one of the first steps that allow people to express themselves. Whether it's good or not, these views need to be heard, and subsequently addressed.

We question why terrorists do the things they do, are they mad, sick or both. The JI made the headlines again, as some of their members were detained and send for rehabilitation. One of them was released after the rehabilitation, based on the consensus that he showed remarkable pontential of "recovery". From what, I'm not sure, but in high probability, it could mean his terrorist's instincts maybe. But the fact that these people exist show that there are dissidents among us, people who feel that the system in Singapore is unfair, and seek to have changes done in that system. In order to develop as a independent society with much heart and soul, it's the people we should work on, not just the economy. Though bread and butter issues set a firm foundation for better things to come, they should not be seen as a end all be all, for this mindset will only send us on an endless pursuit for the fundementary things in life, and not encourage us to think beyond what we see, which is the financial success of Singapore.

I agree that in the absence of stable financial backing and support, many good things simply will not exist. Without Singapore's firm government infrastructure, many foreign merchants will hesitate to set up shop on our tiny island and bring their business here. Our biggest strength is our people and stability, and we should always keep that advantage in mind, and strive to break the rules within our boundaries. Boundaries exist to hold us together, so that we do not give in to wild impulses and hare-brain ideas. They are not an excuse to stem our flow of ideas, nor should they be an excuse for us to not wander beyond our sheltered spaces to explore the world. We can certainly afford more patience in our quest for democracy, for Rome was not built in a day and changes need time to develop. Only when we see that we are capable of bringing positive change will our society continue to mature into a more gracious and understanding one.

personality

Clouds - Obscure

You are a dreamer
and can be rather distant at times... You are
compatible with most elements... You dont start
arguments, but try and keep everything calm and
peaceful or are also a great
healer

Animagi form:
Dolphin
Most compatible with:
Air
Least compatible with:
Fire
Song: Imaginary -
Evanescence
Ruling God:
Appollo

Are you an Obscure or Dominant Element?? {Great pics}
brought to you by

There's no such thing as the perfect one. Only the one you can make perfect.

"Small men think they are small; great men never know they are great." - chinese proverb

How is it that a person can learn and grow so much from a relationship, especially from a bad one where unhappy moments far outweigh the meagre happy memories? I guess Leo Tolstoy was onto something in Anna Karenina, when he started with "All happy families are alike; all unhappy families have their own sad story." I had the good company of a newfound friend for lunch and we just happen to lament about the pathetic state of current love lives (or non-existent one, for me). She couldn't help but gave me a sagely sigh and proclaimed that "there isn't a perfect one, you have to go and look for the one that you think you can make perfect."

Sounds weird? I thought so too. But then it made me think of all those times when I had friends who tell me they are doing this thing so that they can be happy at this time. What about the time between now and that very distant future? Wouldn't putting up with the naunces of life make life itself a really tiring business? Today's mini success at the presentation has showed me how far a little effort can go towards making people feel about your work. I realised that it's not a matter of how well a person can speak, although that does make a difference to the quality of your presentation. It's also very much about how much pride one has in her work.

When you're proud of something or someone or the work you do, naturally you would want to share it with the world, and present it in the best possible way ever. Though my presentation skills have plenty of room for improvement, it is still a tiny step up from where I was previously, given the enthusiastic encouragement that I received from my peers. Has my time in K. turned me into just another fast-talking irritable bitch, or have i simply just outgrown my naivete? I am pretty certain it's somewhere in the middle. Much as I'd like to think I'm a scary bitch on wheels living life in the fast lane without giving a fuck about others, I just can't picture myself discarding my values and principles, as worthless as they may seem. Why be unhappy, when you have every reason to be grateful for your existence this very min when elsewhere, thousands of miles away, people are starving away in the freezing mountains, and may not live to see another sunrise? Why blame others for your misfortune, when they might be going through even tougher struggles than you? Why be obsessive over status symbols, when you are nothing if those are taken away? To be happy is to be a constant cheerleader to yourself. To others, if you can manage it. To be unhappy it's easy. Just keep chasing after that elusive something that you're sure will make you happy once you've gotten it.

world class speaker... not!

Patience is bitter, but the fruit is sweet. - French proverb

He he.. if there's one thing I'm not, it's a natural public speaker. Given a choice, I would rather get someone to tape down the entire solo presentation and broadcast it over tv. Of course, given that I'm no hot shot CEO or plagued with some horrible transmitable disease, the probability of that happening is next to zero.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I will always be afraid before my next speech. What makes me worth the attention that I'm about to get from a crowd of 10, 20, 30 or whatever number happens to be there? This could boil down to the lack of confidence and mental preparation that I've given myself. Frankly speaking, if I were someone else looking at me, I would be surprised at the inconfidence I have in myself, given my experiences and exposure. I would definitely expect something more, and sometimes I wonder why don't I expect more from myself than I do from others. Perhaps it's this unwillingness to confront my own demons that I've unable to make a breakthrough in my personal growth.

One thing for sure: demons truly exist whether we believe in them or not. The best way to have something good come out of this is to be honest with ourselves, think the best of people, and expect little or nothing from them. I used to think expectations are something that exists to boost one's performance and stretch the limits. Now i can see that it can also be something that could be taken for granted, and extremely self-limiting too. Live not for others, but yourself. Say your piece of mind, and prepare to face the consequences. If you want to have opinions, be ready to defend them. On the other hand, sometimes it's not really worth it if you think about it carefully, and there's truly nothing that you could do except pray and hope for the best to happen. If it doesn't, well then, it's time to let go, so that you can fly again :)

never really quite realise how fantastic you are

We can do no great things, only small things with great love. - Mother Teresa

If someone asked me 2 weeks ago what do I think of that man, my answer would probably be moody, short-tempered and petty. That doesn't sound too flattering but the truth is, given that kind of treatment for a few months, totally a 180 change from before, this would have been an understatement. I guess it's true that we do tend to take things and people for granted as time goes by. It really takes some assertiveness if you want things to go your way, but be prepared to earn a reputation as an unreasonable b#$%^ if you insist. It's strange how some people can get away with seemingly obnoxious behaviour but if you look closely enough, what really emerge from that hostile front really is just insecurity and weariness from having one too many rejection from life. If people, including me, were more willing to be content with the happiness they already have, then we probably won't have to go through so much unhappiness and struggles. But then again, given my mind's tendency to have a life of its own, and my unrepressible character, it is more likely that I will keep bumping into different personalities and getting a good piece of their mind(s). Sigh.. guess it's always better to just grin and bear it. No evil thoughts about anyone for the next day... managed quite well today despite the hectic pace at work. Heh..

mad rush. no money

was walking home today when a weird thought suddenly occurred to me. When I passed away, I definitely do NOT want to buried six feet under the ground. I would rather burn into ashes, and be blown into the wind. Nah.. it really isn't as morbid as it sounds. Could probably be due to the fact that I've just gotten off a freezing air-con bus wearing a thin cotton spaghetti top and jeans.

Death has always been a subject very much on my mind. Given the control freak that I am, I am surprise that the thought of violent death does not scare me as much as I thought it would. In fact, to me, nothing could be worse than a life with no highs or lows, simply coasting from day to day, mundane in its mediocre content. Yes, I have ambitions. Yes, I am materialistic. In this day and age, I am but a common figure that adds to the rampant consumerism which has become a trademark of the true-blue urbanite. In a society where credit cards are status symbols and living well means the size of your landed or private property, I have grown comfortable in my creature trappings, and would not doubt for a moment that without them, life would be a miserable existence indeed.

What trancends this materialism is the love I have for journalism. In the past, I used to think this love is capable of embracing anything life throws its way. Be it criticism, discouragement, adversity what have not, I was ever ready to take on the world by its horns. Perhaps it is this very love that caused my heart to constrict, my vision to narrow and my neverending thoughts that threaten to drown me in my mind's wanderings. I'm sure this is a path that many are familiar with, but why does it seem so painful and unnecessary to me? I thought I could let it go, let these terrible feelings die and never to surface again. It's so tough, tougher than I ever thought it could get. Over and over again, I tell myself not to feel so much, not to think too much. But why do the people who shouldn't matter still do? Why should I care so much when they hardly seem to, anymore? Strange.. I thought it was a mutual feeling. Never did I thought I would sink to such depths, such is the intensity of my feelings, whether they're good or evil.

My horoscope tells me I should refrain from thinking bad thoughts about anyone for a week. Let's see how long I can last.

Starting all over again: Mixed feelings

The past year has been one of the most ups and downs for me, at least emotionally-wise. I've gained and lost friends, accquired new knowledge of where my capabilities (or lack of) lie, and how the familiar can, in an instant, turn strange and foreign. How the perfectly controlled and sunny me can lose my mind to this sometimes cold, sterile place that the world has evolved into.

What I had thought was the best thing that happened to me has made me see that some dreams are best left as that, dreams. What matters is the process of discovering, exposing innermost thoughts and feelings, sharing of ideas and most importantly, the importance of consistent hard work, even when you can't really see the point anymore. We were all so ready to change our lives, our thinking, our personalities, our selves so that we could acheive our goals of improving as dancers but in the end, the ones who really should care don't seem to appreciate our efforts much. Indeed, it all boils down to the dollars and sense that is our eventual market value, not really how hard we work. It truly opened my eyes to the undisputable fact that politics do touch every aspect of our lives, even in that sacred place that I, and many others, consider our escape: the arts.

In Singapore, where the arts is generally viewed as entertainment and hardly a viable career option, it takes more than superb artistic talent for one to make it in the industry. One will have to know the right people, gather their support, not be afraid to take risks and only then will they even have a chance to get a foot in the door. Only then will they even have the chance to start a long and steep career path that's to be fraught with obstacles and criticism.

One of the most important things that I've realised recently is to never ever stop talking to the people around you. Through conversations, there's always the chance of rediscovering yourself through the eyes of others. When I mentioned that I was going to pursue journalism as a study option in Australia, I was dumbfound when I was asked why I wanted to be a mouthpiece for the government. Indeed, given the current political climate in Singapore, one would be inclined to think that the role of Singaporean journalists would be a rather linear one. I guess this is one of those tough questions where you would either come off sounding hopelessly idealistic if you try to defend yourself, or a jaded cynic if you join in the chorus. I can only say that I would go as far as my love for journalism sustains me, or when the world no longer interests my participation..

Another thing that I love about talking to people is when they accidentally reveal their thoughts about me. Stuff they wouldn't think of telling to my face, if they didn't get so annoyed with me. I almost felt sorry when the slip of tongue happened, and I felt truly annoyed. On hindsight however, that exchange did reveal to me again how irritating I can come off sometimes, given my tendency to shoot my mouth off even if it's just harmless jibs. I guess in order for us to live in harmony it would be unthinkable if everyone is adamant on voicing each and every opinion. Thing is, when one lives among people with extreme personalities or opinions, it becomes a challenge to maintain a balance perspective on the big picture. It's all too easy to get caught up in the minute details of things, that on hindsight, didn't seem so important after all. It is indeed a virtue to have an abundance of patience, provided that trait does not translate into an excuse of indecisiveness.

Indecisiveness or impulsiveness? Seems like I'm always veering from one extreme to another, never quite treading the middle that I'm supposed to be at. Out of balance, out of sight. Friends that need you to be perfectly controlled are friends that do better when they're out of your life.