Starting all over again: Mixed feelings

The past year has been one of the most ups and downs for me, at least emotionally-wise. I've gained and lost friends, accquired new knowledge of where my capabilities (or lack of) lie, and how the familiar can, in an instant, turn strange and foreign. How the perfectly controlled and sunny me can lose my mind to this sometimes cold, sterile place that the world has evolved into.

What I had thought was the best thing that happened to me has made me see that some dreams are best left as that, dreams. What matters is the process of discovering, exposing innermost thoughts and feelings, sharing of ideas and most importantly, the importance of consistent hard work, even when you can't really see the point anymore. We were all so ready to change our lives, our thinking, our personalities, our selves so that we could acheive our goals of improving as dancers but in the end, the ones who really should care don't seem to appreciate our efforts much. Indeed, it all boils down to the dollars and sense that is our eventual market value, not really how hard we work. It truly opened my eyes to the undisputable fact that politics do touch every aspect of our lives, even in that sacred place that I, and many others, consider our escape: the arts.

In Singapore, where the arts is generally viewed as entertainment and hardly a viable career option, it takes more than superb artistic talent for one to make it in the industry. One will have to know the right people, gather their support, not be afraid to take risks and only then will they even have a chance to get a foot in the door. Only then will they even have the chance to start a long and steep career path that's to be fraught with obstacles and criticism.

One of the most important things that I've realised recently is to never ever stop talking to the people around you. Through conversations, there's always the chance of rediscovering yourself through the eyes of others. When I mentioned that I was going to pursue journalism as a study option in Australia, I was dumbfound when I was asked why I wanted to be a mouthpiece for the government. Indeed, given the current political climate in Singapore, one would be inclined to think that the role of Singaporean journalists would be a rather linear one. I guess this is one of those tough questions where you would either come off sounding hopelessly idealistic if you try to defend yourself, or a jaded cynic if you join in the chorus. I can only say that I would go as far as my love for journalism sustains me, or when the world no longer interests my participation..

Another thing that I love about talking to people is when they accidentally reveal their thoughts about me. Stuff they wouldn't think of telling to my face, if they didn't get so annoyed with me. I almost felt sorry when the slip of tongue happened, and I felt truly annoyed. On hindsight however, that exchange did reveal to me again how irritating I can come off sometimes, given my tendency to shoot my mouth off even if it's just harmless jibs. I guess in order for us to live in harmony it would be unthinkable if everyone is adamant on voicing each and every opinion. Thing is, when one lives among people with extreme personalities or opinions, it becomes a challenge to maintain a balance perspective on the big picture. It's all too easy to get caught up in the minute details of things, that on hindsight, didn't seem so important after all. It is indeed a virtue to have an abundance of patience, provided that trait does not translate into an excuse of indecisiveness.

Indecisiveness or impulsiveness? Seems like I'm always veering from one extreme to another, never quite treading the middle that I'm supposed to be at. Out of balance, out of sight. Friends that need you to be perfectly controlled are friends that do better when they're out of your life.