mad rush. no money

was walking home today when a weird thought suddenly occurred to me. When I passed away, I definitely do NOT want to buried six feet under the ground. I would rather burn into ashes, and be blown into the wind. Nah.. it really isn't as morbid as it sounds. Could probably be due to the fact that I've just gotten off a freezing air-con bus wearing a thin cotton spaghetti top and jeans.

Death has always been a subject very much on my mind. Given the control freak that I am, I am surprise that the thought of violent death does not scare me as much as I thought it would. In fact, to me, nothing could be worse than a life with no highs or lows, simply coasting from day to day, mundane in its mediocre content. Yes, I have ambitions. Yes, I am materialistic. In this day and age, I am but a common figure that adds to the rampant consumerism which has become a trademark of the true-blue urbanite. In a society where credit cards are status symbols and living well means the size of your landed or private property, I have grown comfortable in my creature trappings, and would not doubt for a moment that without them, life would be a miserable existence indeed.

What trancends this materialism is the love I have for journalism. In the past, I used to think this love is capable of embracing anything life throws its way. Be it criticism, discouragement, adversity what have not, I was ever ready to take on the world by its horns. Perhaps it is this very love that caused my heart to constrict, my vision to narrow and my neverending thoughts that threaten to drown me in my mind's wanderings. I'm sure this is a path that many are familiar with, but why does it seem so painful and unnecessary to me? I thought I could let it go, let these terrible feelings die and never to surface again. It's so tough, tougher than I ever thought it could get. Over and over again, I tell myself not to feel so much, not to think too much. But why do the people who shouldn't matter still do? Why should I care so much when they hardly seem to, anymore? Strange.. I thought it was a mutual feeling. Never did I thought I would sink to such depths, such is the intensity of my feelings, whether they're good or evil.

My horoscope tells me I should refrain from thinking bad thoughts about anyone for a week. Let's see how long I can last.